Rev. Ben Fowler
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Cat Out of the Bag

8/30/2012

7 Comments

 
Well, it’s been a summer off from this blog. I have left it hanging because I needed some time off. Also (letting the proverbial cat out of the bag), I was depressed, or rather, I once again had to cope with depression. Depression is something I have dealt with for much of my life. And I’m not talking about just your average sucky day or lack of money, though like everyone I have weathered plenty of that. I am talking about the struggling just to hold it together kind of depression that is way more physical than environmental, and far more debilitating than its emotional cousin.

Now, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche (Tibetan Buddhist Monk and teacher) describes depression as just another form of energy. He sees it as the state of mind closest to enlightenment that we can experience: the abandonment of ambitions and (in the best of circumstances) just accepting what/where we are—embracing our state of mind purely for what it is. It is nice to consider depression this way, but I have to admit that this way of thinking feels like a stretch when everything seems to drag along as though I were walking through a bottle of cold honey while also trying hard not to feel like a watermelon that has been dropped from the Empire State Building (accurate--but sorry about the mixed metaphors).

Other people seem to think they understand what I mean when I talk about my depression. I have little doubt that there are some who do. But most people only understand that the economy is depressing or that the weather is depressing, or that dealing with the idiots at work is depressing, or some such. They do not understand the kind of depression that results in having to put every ounce of energy into not curling up in a ball in a corner.

Two and a half years ago, after more than 15 years on depression medications, I decided that I wanted to stop. After all, I postulated, if John Nash (Nobel Laureate and subject of the film “ A Beautiful Mind”) could do it with schizophrenia,  for me, doing it with depression should be easy. Not quite. For a year or more I did fine but then a slow descent finished off by a couple of steep slides did me in. Back on the meds.

One thing I have learned through all this: depression is not who I am, it is something that happens to me. It is extremely physical for me, and no amount of talking, no kind of therapy--nothing but medication--will return me to an even keel. I will say, however, that I have talked openly about my depression for the first time, to anyone and everyone, and this has proven incredibly cathartic. I realize that in some sense, it is like having a chronic illness: something that I have that is correctible through medical intervention—it is most decidedly NOT an emotional state of mind that I can (should) be able to control through some kind of mental gymnastics.

Another thing I have learned is that no amount of spiritual conviction, spiritual practice, or faith is enough to forestall this kind of depression. When I weaned myself from my medications those two plus years ago, I was at a good place spiritually, meditating every day, chanting a lot, perhaps at a peak with my spiritual development that I have not seen before. Helpful? Yes. But only in so much as it probably held my depression a bay a bit longer than had I not been doing those things.

Please do not get me wrong. I do not in the least feel sorry for myself. Not that I don’t wish that I did not have to deal with this, but deal I must. Such is my life. And it is the life of many others, too. If it is not yours, understand that what we need is just your presence. We don’t need comments about stiff upper lip, or things will get better, or “Yeah, I’m depressed too. This political crap is really the pits.” For those of us who have depression, it is an illness, not a result of some life experience. So what we need from you is your presence, your patience and your love. That’s all.


7 Comments
susan
8/30/2012 02:49:05 am

Hi Ben,

Much love,

Susan

Reply
Janet
8/30/2012 03:51:49 am

Thank you for sharing, Dear Ben.
Because of the nature of the disease, it is important for information to be available. The best place is always our friends and those we respect, rather that doctors.
I had a personal experience with a friend with depression (bipolar).
She had spoken to me about it, but not until I met up with her when her medication was off did I see that she was simply not the person
I knew. It was like she was another person in her body. That is when I began to understand that meds are the only way to manage
the disease.
Sharing with others is a gift you are giving so that folks that as yet do not understand can be informed. There are so many people affected.

Love you, J

Reply
Natty link
8/30/2012 04:42:39 am

Thanks dear Benny! One thing I have learned is that the older we get the more easily chronic depression can trip us up and the more important it is to stay on the meds. Hard to accept but apparently a reality! Thanks for "coming out" and sharing your wisdom. Always a help to know we are not alone and that there is help available. Much love, peace, insight, and energy!!

Reply
david gooch
8/30/2012 06:22:08 am

Ben a fellow suffer it cane to the point that i was so reluctant to get out of bed my pillows became my only friends, fulffy, toughy and muffy. It took medication and occasoinally still does.

Reply
Andrea
8/30/2012 12:13:32 pm

Thank you for saying all of this, Ben. Chronic depression 'runs' in my family; as you know I struggle with it too. After years of trying the exercise/vitamins/herbs/supplements/postivie thinking (all of which are good, but not good enough) I too began meds. And at first felt guilty about it. But, as you point out, it's how to best deal with it. At least for me. To take meds was a difficult decision for me as I'm 'naturally' optimistic, and for awhile that was enough. But that black cloud that can follow you and make you want to stay in bed all day -- well, that's just too much.

Reply
Mike
8/30/2012 08:02:30 pm

Depression is hard to know without being there yourself. My wife and her daughter struggle with it, and it is hard to watch. I have a hard time sometimes believing that it is just biochemical, that will and discipline and effort to make choices about what we think and what we choose to believe don't play into it somehow. But I am reminded sharply if I forget, and express some version of "you can choose to believe that, or not.". Ironically, that assumption is contradicted by my own personal experience. Three years ago, struggling with more or less situational anxiety, I talked to my doc, who diagnosed a fairly mild form of depression, and gave me a low dose of citalopran. It changed my life. I still have anxiety in my life, but it is pretty routine stuff, not debilitating. It is easier for me to imagine what others further along the spectrum deal with, and how important meds are. But there is still lurking in my bones the belief that we create our own reality, all that bootstraps stuff. Talking about it is not easy, and I appreciate your opening up about it, which gives me some permission to do the same.

Reply
Nancy Willett
8/31/2012 05:10:27 am

We have many gifts. One huge one from my point of view is that there is medication that can sometimes balance our chemistry if we suffer from clinical depression. Hanging in there is heroic. However, it is such a painful disease I wish you and me and many others did not have to cope with it. As you know, who asked us!
Personally, what I despise is blaming the victim - if you walked more, ate less sugar, had the right attitude, etc. etc. The brain is so complex it is amazing our brain is ever working right chemically, electrically, structurally.
May you find islands of peace most days, an uplift from some unexpected gift, or just plain days without pain and with medications sometimes many days often.
I have been a teacher and board officer for years for NAMI because I have many members of my family who have clinical depression, schizophrenia, bi-polar, and then there is myself with depression.
I'm 73. I've learned a lot over the years. There is much more to learn.
You may remember me from the two glorious weekends I spent in Nottingham with you and Russell Paul.
Needless to say, Don's Alzheimer's continues to progress. He turned 80 this past February.
I miss my friend, Claire Boudreau. I'll never forget the profound and beautiful eulogy you did to celebrate her parent's lives.
Love and blessings to you and the rest of us in our situation.
I look forward to your next Blog message. Nancy

Reply



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    Rev. Ben

    I am an Interfaith Minister. My ramblings are primarily  random thoughts, and commentary on life, love and the pursuit of happiness. See more on the ABOUT ME page (above).

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