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Dad and Me

3/25/2018

My father was about as far from being religious as a person can get. He even disliked being in church for funerals and weddings. He occasionally played in a bell chorus at Christmas, but that was more for the music than for any actual religious reason. All the same, in one brief conversation he taught me more about my spiritual life than anyone had before.

My mother (who was very Episcopalian) and my wife (who had been steeped in the Unitarian way) and I were sitting around the den discussing something about church. The topic I forget, but is irrelevant anyway. My father sat quietly listening. At one point my wife asked my father something about what we were discussing, but ended her question by saying: “I guess it doesn’t matter since you aren’t spiritual anyway.” My father’s response was immediate. He said, in a somewhat annoyed tone, “Wait a minute. Just because I don’t go to church does not mean that I’m not spiritual. Why do you think I go out on my boat?”

For me, this was HUGE. It was the first time I understood that there was a difference between being religious and being spiritual. Religion is adopted from the outside. Spirituality is born within. They are not necessarily mutually exclusive, but they are not necessary partners for one another either. Religion is doctrine which, if we pursue it diligently enough might bring us to a spiritual place. Spirituality is the understanding that there is something greater than we are, whether it be nature, or the earth we stand on, or the universe we live within, or whatever. But spirituality can be reached through many means—through personal doctrine, you might say—such as art, or music, or sailing, or dancing, or hiking, or meditation, among many other possibilities. Spirituality is about making that connection with what we accept as greater than we are, by whatever means.

Now I’m not knocking religion. I just want others to understand that, as I do, though they may shun religious doctrine, this does not exclude them from the likelihood that they are spiritual. And why is this important? Because the more of that us understand that we are connected to something greater than we are, the more of us can also understand that we are all connected by this same thread of desire for love and interconnectedness, that we are all headed to the same mountain top by different paths, and that the more we pull together as a community, the better off we will all be. We need that more than ever in this fracturing world.

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Touched by the Spirit

3/6/2018

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I have recently returned from a 4 week retreat in India. We spent 10 days at an Indian “resort” and another 20 +/- days at a Benedictine Ashram (with Hindu leanings) in the Southern part of India in the state of Tamil Nadu. India is a place that is a classroom for seeing what really matters. It is a filthy place, jammed with people, cars, motor bikes and scooters, cows in the roads, powered and unpowered rickshaws, ox carts, and all manner of debris, and dust, and smog. Drinking the water would send a westerner to the restroom in a matter of minutes and will clean you out faster than getting ready for a colonoscopy. And there’s usually no toilet paper: merely a spray hose or bucket full of water. Riding in a vehicle feels like taking your life in your hands (or preferably someone else’s hands) and is likely to terrify even the most stoic person. In many ways, life in India can make even the worst of circumstances in our country seem like privilege.

As crappy as this sounds, it does fade into the background as just “the way it is” and after about a week the more important teachings start to emerge. Those teachings come from the people, though that’s not easy to see at first. Not easy because there are SO MANY people. Even on the quietest day and night, people jam the streets, motorbike and cars honk, and cows moo. All the shops are tiny and everything is colorful and dusty. And there are beautiful saris on every woman. And there are people dressed in no clothes at all. And there are Hindu Swamis with tangled beards and ashes streaking their foreheads. And there are beautiful children with big brown eyes. And any of these people will stare shamelessly at a light-skinned westerner since we are really the ones out of place.

But here’s the thing, here’s the lesson: If you catch the eye of any of these people, offer them a smile and a tip of the head, or touch your hand to your heart, or offer a slight bow with your hands held together in the position of prayer, what you get in return is love; a smile with what feels like an honest, guileless, open and loving connection with the soul of that person. It is not something we get very often in this country; the acknowledgement of the commonness of human experience; the sense of unity with other people; the consciousness that tells us there is a divinity that runs through all of humanity—call it what you will.

Truth be told, none of us are too busy to offer a brief connection with another person. A nod here, a smile there, a hand on your heart, a look in the eye. Try it. Just a couple of times a day. It’ll make you feel good. And them, too.

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Goodness Knows

2/17/2018

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It has been several years, too many, since my last post on this site. Retirement, among other things, brought me together with a little inertia, and a desire for time to myself. Life is not a simple place, however, and my love for all things spiritual and my concern for a country (and perhaps a world) that has lost its way brings me back to this place... not to be political, but to hope that my words might remind people that goodness arises from a deeper place in us than we sometimes wish to pursue. That may well be a tall order, sometimes even a tall gin and tonic, because so often, and so easily, our values get dragged into the milieu of materialism, capitalism and the endless conflicts of religion, politics and daily life. And at such times, it is easy to forget what we believe and how we hope to bring that to bear in our words and deeds.

Now I don’t expect to change the world with my meanderings. There are few people who have been able to do that alone, and I am not one of them. What is important to remember is that far more often the world has been changed by the actions of many people working together fighting evil and discrimination, and sticking up for what is good and right. But if what I say means something to you, what is important is that you act—tell another person—and remember to share the goodness yourself. To stand for your values in a public way. To remind others that by sticking together, and by sharing goodness, we create more goodness. And goodness knows, we need it right now.

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Now's a Good Time

12/24/2012

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It's the Holiday Season, or the Christmas Season or the Hanukkah Season, or whatever you wish to call it. It is, I think, a mite unfortunate that commercialism consumes so much of the season, yet I also admit that I have a real love of receiving presents. It is perhaps because of the conditions of my youth that I too easily confuse presents for love, but that is another story entirely. It is true, however, that more than anything this season, perhaps because of Christianity, but also regardless of religion, gives us an opportunity to express our love more openly and broadly than perhaps we usually do.

Now, every religion implores us to be loving of our fellow beings on this earth. But Christmas, needless to say, is about Christ, who thirty years more or less after his birth began teaching unconditional love as a way of life. I think that unconditional love, as Jesus would have seen it, means that we are blind to race, or skin color, or ethnicity, or sexual orientation, or religious affiliation, (or in this country, I guess it should be said, political affiliation). To Jesus, unconditional love was not about being all gushy, but more about being compassionately truthful, holding people to their best by holding up a mirror to their actions, and by practicing patience, humility, and understanding.

I suspect that this is the way we would all like to be treated by those around us--the basis for the Golden rule (which literally exists in some form in every major faith). That is to say; we all want unconditional love. Practicing unconditional love is not about just those people with whom we are intimate: family, offspring, friends. It is really about seeing the need for love (tough love or soft love or whatever is needed) and taking action. Helping someone in need. Supporting someone who feel bereft of their own inner resources. And as much as anything, unconditional love is about honoring the understanding that everything everywhere in this entire world is connected--though Santa is the only one who seems to be able to live this as a reality.

In the final analysis, as far as unconditional love goes (and we need only Santa to understand this) we receive what we give. And there is no more universal time than the Christmas season to make sure this happens.

Regardless of whether Christmas is your holiday or merely a day of rest for you: peace be with you.

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Gifts of Gratitude

11/19/2012

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I am not always as thankful as I should be. I would guess that is true of most of us. Of course “should” is a loaded word. It smacks a bit of a threshold of thankfulness below which we should not fall. During this week of Thanksgiving, hopefully we all raise that threshold even higher and even do our best to exceed our standards.

I live in a small town where the ocean meets the land, and every day I get to drive past that ever changing edge. I have a community of friends who are thoughtful and compassionate. I am the guide at a small church the congregation of which appreciates what I do for them. Despite the aches and pains typical of my age, I am in good health. I am in a nearly 40 year partnership with a truly amazing woman. These are things I do not take for granted and I am consciously thankful for them almost every day.

But there are plenty of things I do take for granted. I have food on my table and a warm place to sleep. I have enough money to live a more than comfortable material life. I can turn on my faucet and drink fresh, sweet water. I am not likely to have bombs rain down on me, or to have soldiers at my door. I can vote. It has been thus pretty much all my life—these things are as natural to me as my breath—so it is easy to forget how lucky I am to have such blessings—and many, many more as well.

It is when I remember such everyday things as these, however, that my gratitude really begins to kick in. This is when I remember to be grateful that I have a compassionate heart that I hope will inspire others to live a better life; to live with a deeper awareness of how their goodness can help others; to find new ways to make this a better world for all people; to commit to just a bit more universal justice; and to have the faith that even a small action can have a big impact on the lives of others.

Which says to me that we should not only be thankful for what we do or for what we have. Even more importantly we need to be grateful for who we are; for the gifts of our ability to love and to offer compassion, to offer forgiveness and to have the humility to understand our own shortcomings. More than anything material, it is these things that will make a better world.

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Truth or Consequences

10/15/2012

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Recently the concept of truth seems to be on my mind. You might think it is a result of the political climate these days, but actually my thinking was spawned by the comments of a friend about her state of mind. In essence, she was commenting on how she was going around talking about how stressed she was, and that she had decided to change that by going around saying how happy and centered she was. That got me thinking; is the “truth” what we are, or is it what we say we are?

One of the things I learned from my depression this summer is that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I also learned that no amount of thinking will make it go away. I can set it aside for a while and ignore its effect on me now and again. Yet this happens mostly by my accepting that it is a part of my life right now and by my living with it rather than trying to change it. If I try to change it, I expend considerable energy trying to be something that I am not. That energy might well be better used elsewhere. Like being who I am.

At the same time, by trying to change it, I am not being honest with myself or with others about how I am actually feeling. This is where the truth question comes in. If I am trying to change myself by pretending that I feel some way other than I actually feel, what is the truth? If I tell others that I am happy (when I am not) the truth to them is that I am happy—they know no different. But just by saying this, does it change the truth to me?

Now, there is plenty of evidence that we can change the way we feel by thinking differently. But is that necessary? Can we also change the way we feel by thinking honestly? By fully accepting my depression, and by being open with others about it, I find it not all that difficult to live with. No, I have not grown to love it, but it sits alongside me, and only has a middlin' effect on my ability to live my life in a reasonably normal manner.

My kind of depression is, of course, a physical malady more than a state of mind. But stress and anxiety of any kind are expressed through our body in one way or another. Just as ignoring the signs of a cold coming on will sure lead to a full blown cold, ignoring stress by trying to talk or think our way out of it, without taking action to change those things that are triggering it, certainly increases the possibility that we will deepen our malaise.

Ramana Maharshi, one of the great Hindu sages said: “Your duty is to be; and not to be this or that.” What this means to me is that we are not put on this earth to just be happy, or in love with life, or just be depressed and embittered by our lot. We are also not put here to always be up and positive, or always down and disheartened.

Rather, we are put here to be whole; to be truthful with ourselves (and others) about who we are and to love ourselves in spite of how we might rather be.

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Cat Out of the Bag

8/30/2012

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Well, it’s been a summer off from this blog. I have left it hanging because I needed some time off. Also (letting the proverbial cat out of the bag), I was depressed, or rather, I once again had to cope with depression. Depression is something I have dealt with for much of my life. And I’m not talking about just your average sucky day or lack of money, though like everyone I have weathered plenty of that. I am talking about the struggling just to hold it together kind of depression that is way more physical than environmental, and far more debilitating than its emotional cousin.

Now, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche (Tibetan Buddhist Monk and teacher) describes depression as just another form of energy. He sees it as the state of mind closest to enlightenment that we can experience: the abandonment of ambitions and (in the best of circumstances) just accepting what/where we are—embracing our state of mind purely for what it is. It is nice to consider depression this way, but I have to admit that this way of thinking feels like a stretch when everything seems to drag along as though I were walking through a bottle of cold honey while also trying hard not to feel like a watermelon that has been dropped from the Empire State Building (accurate--but sorry about the mixed metaphors).

Other people seem to think they understand what I mean when I talk about my depression. I have little doubt that there are some who do. But most people only understand that the economy is depressing or that the weather is depressing, or that dealing with the idiots at work is depressing, or some such. They do not understand the kind of depression that results in having to put every ounce of energy into not curling up in a ball in a corner.

Two and a half years ago, after more than 15 years on depression medications, I decided that I wanted to stop. After all, I postulated, if John Nash (Nobel Laureate and subject of the film “ A Beautiful Mind”) could do it with schizophrenia, for me, doing it with depression should be easy. Not quite. For a year or more I did fine but then a slow descent finished off by a couple of steep slides did me in. Back on the meds.

One thing I have learned through all this: depression is not who I am, it is something that happens to me. It is extremely physical for me, and no amount of talking, no kind of therapy--nothing but medication--will return me to an even keel. I will say, however, that I have talked openly about my depression for the first time, to anyone and everyone, and this has proven incredibly cathartic. I realize that in some sense, it is like having a chronic illness: something that I have that is correctible through medical intervention—it is most decidedly NOT an emotional state of mind that I can (should) be able to control through some kind of mental gymnastics.

Another thing I have learned is that no amount of spiritual conviction, spiritual practice, or faith is enough to forestall this kind of depression. When I weaned myself from my medications those two plus years ago, I was at a good place spiritually, meditating every day, chanting a lot, perhaps at a peak with my spiritual development that I have not seen before. Helpful? Yes. But only in so much as it probably held my depression a bay a bit longer than had I not been doing those things.

Please do not get me wrong. I do not in the least feel sorry for myself. Not that I don’t wish that I did not have to deal with this, but deal I must. Such is my life. And it is the life of many others, too. If it is not yours, understand that what we need is just your presence. We don’t need comments about stiff upper lip, or things will get better, or “Yeah, I’m depressed too. This political crap is really the pits.” For those of us who have depression, it is an illness, not a result of some life experience. So what we need from you is your presence, your patience and your love. That’s all.

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What does it matter?

6/8/2012

3 Comments

Every now and then I get into this funk. It's that place that probably most of us reach at one time or another--the place that is punctuated by the question, "What does it all matter, anyway?" Not that I am about to jump off a bridge or something, but there are times when faith and motivation collude to fly out the window at the same time and get replaced with, well, a "what difference does it make" attitude.

When my brother-in-law was killed in a stupid construction accident last August, something switched on (or off) that has at times changed things for me. It makes life seem so much more precious--the part of life that's just living it for what it is, the here and now part--not the wishing part, nor the future part. The trouble is that living with a "here and now" attitude just ain't so easy, at least for me.

Now using my brother-in-law is more of a convenient excuse than I might like to admit. The reality is that it's about me, not about him. I am going through a crisis of faith. This is kind of odd, really, considering that I am not even sure that I know what my faith is. I do not have faith in the traditional way most of us think of it--a belief in God. I think more than anything, it is a crisis of perceived failure: nothing I try seems to get me much closer to the place of spirit I believe exists--a place of a calm inner life that reflects into the world around me. Though perhaps wanting such a thing is grasping at straws.

I go through this occasionally (I suspect everyone does). I put out my best effort but nothing seems to change. Then I start to wonder, is this my best effort? So I try harder. Then I start to wonder, is this the right effort? So I try something different or add something else in. Then I start to wonder, am looking in the right direction? So I look in other places. But still, nothing seems to change; I feel no deeper connection to my spirit; I feel no closer to having a calm mind; in a few words--I feel no deeper relationship to my center. And then I begin to wonder, what's the use? Try as I might, little seems to change.

As much as a crisis of faith, I guess it is also a crisis of confidence. Sometimes it would seem easier just to pull back; really to do little to nothing and to stop worrying about my place in the world, and just to inhabit whatever space I am in. Unfortunately, "what is my place in the world?" has been the question on my lips for as long as I have memory. As such, it is tough to abandon; it is a part of me more than a tangent.

Now, if you expect me to resolve this with some deep insight, you will be disappointed. Even the most ardent of believers (whether in self or in some thing else) have times when their faith ebbs; when what they believe leaves them and leaves them cold and ragged. If there is a kernel of insight it is that faith is not a thing. It is a process. There is no process that does not ebb and flow and no faith that shouldn't be questioned now and then. Because anyone who claims to never feel lost in the wilderness probably just lives in the wilderness.

I am sure that I will find my way through this momentary ebb. What will reappear with the flow is another question. And that, it would seem is the up side--and why I keep asking these questions. I can't wait to see what emerges.

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False Prophets

5/11/2012

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(I don't do this often, but the what follows has just been bugging me for a while. TIme to get it off my chest, I guess.)

I have a deep and abiding respect for the Bible. It is a piece of moral literature with few equals (the Koran, or the Bhagavad Gita, or the Upanishads among them), and it is a compendium of approaches to spiritual life that has powerful roots in history. And it is a series of stories that gives us a window into the way things were both spiritually and culturally in the Middle East 2-3,000 years ago. It is a series of stories told by the spiritual and religious luminaries of the day, and then, with the advent of the New Testament, the stories as recalled and created by the progenitors of Christianity. Interestingly, there are many more stories about Jesus which were not included in the New Testament, because those luminaries at the Council of Nicaea, in the 4th century C.E., decided to pick and choose only those stories that supported what they believed to be true.

Now, given that I was using this document as my doctrine, I would likely pick and choose too. In fact, I do pick and choose. There are many things that are considered to be “pure” Christian doctrine to which I subscribe—the golden rule, most of the Ten Commandments, etc.—moral ideals that serve us all well. None of these things require that I be a Christian or subscribe to the Bible as the source of my moral fortitude. They are merely common sense ways of living that not only the Bible tells us about but so does every other written source from every other major faith.

What bothers me is the double standards of those who claim that the Bible is the immutable word of God that must be followed without fail in order for us to be redeemed into the afterlife. Because as determined as they are that this is “the Word” they, too, are picking and choosing—finding only the passages that support their point of view and ignoring the rest. By doing this they are essentially making the Bible a living document that supports their ways of thinking. They ignore those parts of the Bible that have become culturally inappropriate. At the same time they self-righteously claim to be the purveyors of the “Lords Word” through the Bible and that those of us who do not subscribe to everything that the Bible tells us to do are doomed to Satan’s sanctuary.

The trouble is that in the Bible, God is not always all that nice. He can be very angry and jealous (Zephaniah 3:6-10). He condones selling a daughter into slavery (Exodus 21:7-1).God condones murdering rape victims (Deut 22:23-24), and fortunetellers and mediums (Lev 20:27). And here’s a confusing one: in Exodus 31:12-15, God tells us that anyone, yes, anyone, who works on the Sabbath must be put to death. Now-a-days, that’s a lot of people. In fact, now-a-days, that’s any minister who is paid for his/her work, unless, of course, you assume the Biblical Sabbath is Saturday, since the Old Testament is a Jewish document, so it doesn’t count for Christians (except when we want it to).

Now, I’m obviously not suggesting that Christians go out and start murdering people or selling their daughters into slavery. Mostly what I am saying is that the Bible is a moral compass the interpretation and the application of which must change with the times, as it often has. By picking and choosing, those who follow the bible are making it a living document that responds to the cultural needs of the time in which they live. And this is how it should be.

When we read the stories of Jesus (perhaps the primary translator of the “word of God”) what we find is someone who essentially says that we have to do four things: 1). have faith—believe that there is some powerful force of some sort in this world; 2). develop an awareness of both our inner landscape and the relationship we have to the world around us; 3). create some sort relationship with our equivalent of God such that we can express ourselves spiritually; and, 4). Find it within our hearts to maintain a commitment to what moves us spiritually. These are what are behind all the parables Jesus used to help his followers develop a deeper awareness of themselves and the world around them. He did not tell them what to do; he showed them how to figure it out for themselves. Neither Jesus nor the bible takes any substantive responsibility for the spiritual well being of any individual—just as it should be. It is, in the final analysis, up to us, and up to us alone.

Yes, this is how it should be. There are no formulas, no magic bullets, no direction, no rules, no immutable laws we can follow to find where and how God expresses itself through us. The Bible is a great place to start. So is the Koran. So is the Bhagavad Gita. And others. The stories therein offer guidance and engender thought. But in the final analysis, there is only one fully alive and present entity that can choose the way you approach and express your spirit: that entity is you. And this is true even if your communion with God feels to you like a direct relationship. You still have to make the decisions.

I fully respect anyone’s decision to use the bible as their personal guidepost. Such a choice is very personal and individual, however, and it is no less, and no more valid than my choice not to use it. It is fine to use the Bible to help this process. It is equally fine NOT to use the Bible. But to those who claim or predict that anyone who does not follow the Bible is doomed to a less than perfect life; you had better watch out. The Lord speaks of false prophecy—anyone predicting, in the Lord’s name, something that does not happen; s/he is a false prophet and must die (Deut 18:20-22). Though I respect the Bible, I really do not believe that will (or should) happen to anyone.

6 Comments

Wobbly Living

4/19/2012

6 Comments

Every now and then I am brought up short by just how wobbly a life I am living. By wobbly I mean how my life seems one way but is occasionally revealed to be something quite different than I expect. This morning, for example, I was driving to an irrelevant (to you) destination when with absolutely no warning I began to feel good. I noticed it immediately. It was kind of a shock to emerge from the haze of everyday living and actually come close to feeling happy and at peace. A shock, mind you, of the most pleasant sort. Unfortunately it was kind of like driving under a bridge during a heavy rain; there is a split second of clarity, then back into the deluge.

I wish I could put my finger on what triggers these encounters with my center. I would say that a good deal of my efforts to find a consistent spiritual path focus on creating a more reliable relationship with this elusive part of me. So much of the time I spend aiming towards what comes next that actually just being in the moment is a rare experience. And this is not about a state of action, it is purely about a state of mind. What I mean is that I am always thinking about what I am doing, not just doing it. And often when my mind stops working at those moments of deep immersion, it feels so alien to me that I stop whatever I am doing. Somehow I feel like I might get lost, I guess.

In this sense, I guess life becomes the ultimate spiritual practice. It is not really about mindfulness or (as I have implied in these writings before) mindlessness. It is merely about being; being fully in the present moment, without thinking about it, longing for it, striving to find it; none of these things--just being in it.

Clearly that can not happen every minute of our lives--that's kind of living a lobotomized life, I'd guess. But what surprises me about my own life is that though I seek out such moments of "being" with meditation and chanting and such, they are so much more powerful when I just find myself in them--just because. That could be just the surprise of finding myself in an unexpected state of mind, or it could be that it is the most honest possible kind of encounter with the spirit that we can have. The kind that is truly unencumbered by anything but ourselves laid out plain and simple.

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Rev. Ben

I am an Interfaith Minister. My ramblings are primarily random thoughts, and commentary on life, love and the pursuit of happiness. See more on the ABOUT ME page (above).

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Rev. Ben

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