Category: Intimacy

Now's a Good Time

12/24/2012

It's the Holiday Season, or the Christmas Season or the Hanukkah Season, or whatever you wish to call it. It is, I think, a mite unfortunate that commercialism consumes so much of the season, yet I also admit that I have a real love of receiving presents. It is perhaps because of the conditions of my youth that I too easily confuse presents for love, but that is another story entirely. It is true, however, that more than anything this season, perhaps because of Christianity, but also regardless of religion, gives us an opportunity to express our love more openly and broadly than perhaps we usually do.

Now, every religion implores us to be loving of our fellow beings on this earth. But Christmas, needless to say, is about Christ, who thirty years more or less after his birth began teaching unconditional love as a way of life. I think that unconditional love, as Jesus would have seen it, means that we are blind to race, or skin color, or ethnicity, or sexual orientation, or religious affiliation, (or in this country, I guess it should be said, political affiliation). To Jesus, unconditional love was not about being all gushy, but more about being compassionately truthful, holding people to their best by holding up a mirror to their actions, and by practicing patience, humility, and understanding.

I suspect that this is the way we would all like to be treated by those around us--the basis for the Golden rule (which literally exists in some form in every major faith). That is to say; we all want unconditional love. Practicing unconditional love is not about just those people with whom we are intimate: family, offspring, friends. It is really about seeing the need for love (tough love or soft love or whatever is needed) and taking action. Helping someone in need. Supporting someone who feel bereft of their own inner resources. And as much as anything, unconditional love is about honoring the understanding that everything everywhere in this entire world is connected--though Santa is the only one who seems to be able to live this as a reality.

In the final analysis, as far as unconditional love goes (and we need only Santa to understand this) we receive what we give. And there is no more universal time than the Christmas season to make sure this happens.

Regardless of whether Christmas is your holiday or merely a day of rest for you: peace be with you.

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Truth or Consequences

10/15/2012

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Recently the concept of truth seems to be on my mind. You might think it is a result of the political climate these days, but actually my thinking was spawned by the comments of a friend about her state of mind. In essence, she was commenting on how she was going around talking about how stressed she was, and that she had decided to change that by going around saying how happy and centered she was. That got me thinking; is the “truth” what we are, or is it what we say we are?

One of the things I learned from my depression this summer is that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I also learned that no amount of thinking will make it go away. I can set it aside for a while and ignore its effect on me now and again. Yet this happens mostly by my accepting that it is a part of my life right now and by my living with it rather than trying to change it. If I try to change it, I expend considerable energy trying to be something that I am not. That energy might well be better used elsewhere. Like being who I am.

At the same time, by trying to change it, I am not being honest with myself or with others about how I am actually feeling. This is where the truth question comes in. If I am trying to change myself by pretending that I feel some way other than I actually feel, what is the truth? If I tell others that I am happy (when I am not) the truth to them is that I am happy—they know no different. But just by saying this, does it change the truth to me?

Now, there is plenty of evidence that we can change the way we feel by thinking differently. But is that necessary? Can we also change the way we feel by thinking honestly? By fully accepting my depression, and by being open with others about it, I find it not all that difficult to live with. No, I have not grown to love it, but it sits alongside me, and only has a middlin' effect on my ability to live my life in a reasonably normal manner.

My kind of depression is, of course, a physical malady more than a state of mind. But stress and anxiety of any kind are expressed through our body in one way or another. Just as ignoring the signs of a cold coming on will sure lead to a full blown cold, ignoring stress by trying to talk or think our way out of it, without taking action to change those things that are triggering it, certainly increases the possibility that we will deepen our malaise.

Ramana Maharshi, one of the great Hindu sages said: “Your duty is to be; and not to be this or that.” What this means to me is that we are not put on this earth to just be happy, or in love with life, or just be depressed and embittered by our lot. We are also not put here to always be up and positive, or always down and disheartened.

Rather, we are put here to be whole; to be truthful with ourselves (and others) about who we are and to love ourselves in spite of how we might rather be.

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On Mother of a Day

5/8/2011

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Today is Mother's Day. One of the hardest jobs in the world... or not? You decide. My mother died a couple of years ago. I miss her sometimes, more as a blank space in my life than anything else. As I suspect she would say--life goes on. My mother and I were fairly close. I was her primary care advocate for the last few years of her life, and that connected us in ways that we had not been before. She was never all that exposed interpersonally, and as she closed in on the last years of her life, her memory and her ability to engage for more than a few minutes became limited. So getting close to her was a matter of knowing that my mere presence was a comfort, and that was enough--for both of us. My mother was very loving but not skilled at intimacy. As many of us can be, particularly as parents, she was good at advice, but not so good at counsel. Listening was hard. Though as her mind faltered and faded, she could listen for the first time and always seemed engaged and lucid in the brief responses she offered. I realize now that she had finally realized that teaching was more powerfully accomplished in silence.

There is a bit of mother in all of us, man, woman, child--we all have that desire to take care of other people. We all want our children to feel safe. So though today we honor Mothers in general, and our own in particular, take a moment to honor the mother in yourself as well. The world will be a more peaceful place, a calmer place, a place where love stands in the spotlight were we to all live for this days as mothers have lived most days of their lives.

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Rev. Ben

I am an Interfaith Minister. My ramblings are primarily random thoughts, and commentary on life, love and the pursuit of happiness. See more on the ABOUT ME page (above).

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Now's a Good Time

Truth or Consequences

On Mother of a Day

Rev. Ben

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